How do I help my children who are constantly arguing with each other?

Recently, I asked a friend of mine if her kids fight. I thought about it later why I did that, and it’s because usually when kids fight, it happens within the walls of our homes, and it can feel like you’re the only one who has kids who fight because you don’t tend to see other kids fighting. So I was looking for that reassurance that it wasn’t just our family who struggles with this. So if you’re asking that question too, “Do other families struggle?” then know it’s not just your family, it’s not just your kids, it’s not just your home that struggles. We’re struggling with it too in my home, and I come to you now as a fellow parent, not as an expert in this area. But I will offer you some things that I have been thinking about as I too am wrestling with how can I helpfully disciple and shepherd my kids as they struggle to treat each other consistently with kindness, respect, and honor.

So I think about this question in two ways. One is the meta-level teaching that we are doing. That is ongoing. How can we as Christian parents frame biblically and teach biblically about conflict? So teaching and instruction is happening not in the moment of the conflict but in times of family worship or family meetings or just a non-emotionally heightened moment where we’re communicating the truths of God’s good design and intention for families that he gave us as gifts to one another, to care, love, and protect one another. We cast vision that our home would be a safe place, a safe place in a world that’s not our home, where we get to learn together God’s ways and practice together the kind of care and encouragement and building up that is modeled after how he loves us.

So if your family has been struggling lately with the kids fighting, then I would suggest calling a family meeting to address it and then hold out the opportunity before you all as Christians to reset. Resets are grounded in the reality that God gives more grace, that his mercies are new, and that because of him we can reset, we can redirect, we can go in a new direction. So share with the kids in this meeting. Ask them, what is the direction that God calls us to go? How can we direct our hearts to him in such a way that love overflows in our interactions with one another? This will likely lead to a call to repentance. In age-appropriate ways, help your children see that their behavior against one another is sinful and grievous to God because he treasures each one of you. And when we mistreat each other, that’s grievous. And we are to turn away from that behavior in obedience and a response to how God has loved us.

Then you can consider, well, what is the new direction we want to go?  Repentance puts us on a new path that with God’s help we will keep. And perhaps you can in this family meeting share just one Bible verse, maybe even write it out to look at together. For example, Romans 12:5 says, “So in Christ, we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” With a verse like this, you can consider together, what does that mean that we belong to each other? How can we show that in how we treat each other? How can we show that we belong to each other even when we’re mad or not getting our way? Perhaps you could even do a role play at the family meeting. You can have the kids act out a typical scenario that tends to escalate between them. Have them brainstorm and name what are other options, other choices that are available to them when they’re provoked. Name them and practice them together in the role play.

Finally, in a family meeting, you can emphasize the importance of repair, that when we fight, we will be committed to, as a family, following up with one another and seeking one another’s forgiveness. God calls us to do this, and repair is a way to honor and protect the relationship. Offer your kids some words, and then when fights happen, remind them of what needs to happen now. Offer them words again if needed that they can repeat. For example, will you forgive me for calling you a bad name? I don’t think that’s who you are.

So that’s the meta-level teaching. But then there are those micro-moments where you as the parent can consider, what are the patterns you are seeing with your kids? Where are those places that they repeatedly get snagged? And then, how can you intervene in those places proactively? For example, one of my kids loves going into their sibling’s room and touching things, and it really irritates the other one and it quickly escalates. So how can I help establish boundaries around this repeated scenario that sets each of them up for an increased chance that this won’t devolve into a fight? What can I work on with each individually? How can I point out to them, hey, this is a repeated instance where you struggle. Let’s brainstorm together. How can this go differently? Let’s identify options even if one of them barges in. Depending on the kid’s ages, this could even be the discipline after a fight happens. You need to go take a few minutes to reflect on what happened and what ideas you have for different responses next time.

I know personally that when my kids fight, I feel really stressed and discouraged by it. When the two little people I love the most are mistreating each other, it’s really upsetting. But as with most things in parenting, I’m reminding myself and I’m reminding you that their discipleship and their growth in character is a long-haul journey. And just as we don’t change instantly, neither can I expect kids to. But God is at work even when I can’t see it, even when there aren’t the results or the changes I am praying for and guiding them towards. So my task as a parent is to persevere in faithfully shepherding, praying for their hearts, praying for God’s Spirit to be at work in them, keeping watch over my own heart and repenting when I fail, and entrusting them over and over to their God who made them and that they belong to.