I’m struggling to fit in. What do I do?

When I think of fitting in, I think of a sense of feeling accepted and acceptable by others, able to blend in with others in a good way with ease and enjoyment, experiencing a sense of belonging that we understandably would want in our community, social circles, and churches. The struggle to fit in is a struggle to be similar enough or good enough to feel a sense of home. There are differences there, whether it be differences in personality, hobbies, or interests; whether it be racial, ethnic, cultural differences; language barriers, being in a different life stage, not feeling on the same wavelength in conversations, a sense of they all seem to have it together and I don't. They seem normal and I feel weird or broken. They all look and dress like this and I don't. They all have this level of money and status and I don't. They all do this together, but I'm not really into that. Or I am really into this, but no one else really is.

Regardless of whether they're small, minute differences or actually huge, significant differences, there's a way those differences create this sense of I'm not in. An obvious or subtle sense of separation, of otherness. The longing to have a sense of I really belong here, a sense of “fit” that makes sense, but it's not always easy to find and it's painful when we don't find it, especially in the spheres of life we thought and hoped we would experience it the most. I think of the number of painful stories of dear brothers and sisters, that the place they struggle the most to fit in is their church community, their own family.

There are so many ways and directions to go with this question, but I will attempt at one. The heartache of feeling different, outside, or other, sometimes even less than, maybe sometimes even unwanted, looked down on, excluded, is painful. I don't know what it is for you, and maybe it's different things and different spheres of life and different circles, but it's okay to acknowledge and lament the pain of it. I was actually recently going through my old iPhone notes and found one dated years ago where I apparently wrote, “God, please, I can't do another hard hangout.” And reading that, I was immediately brought back to a time when I felt like who I was, how I was wired, was off from what was needed for me to truly belong, be accepted and enjoyed by others. I was like a puzzle piece that didn't fit in with the other pieces despite my desire to. The sense of dread or nervousness leading up to and during any gathering. The pressure to try to shape and reshape myself in a way that would try to improve the relational connection, the longing and the sense of discouragement when that didn't happen. What can so easily become a slow withdrawing and giving up eventually. I don't think I had amazing insights of what to do then, but looking back, I feel like I did the best I could at that time to name it and to pray it, even if the prayer was eight words typed in an iPhone note.

The second thing I want to say is it might be helpful to be mindful of certain temptations in the midst of the struggle. There are many, but two in particular that I'll highlight here, which is shame, self-condemnation, or bitterness, resentment, and hardening. With the first is the temptation to automatically assume there's something wrong with me, to automatically assume you are the one to blame because over there they all seem to fit in and be doing fine, but look at you. If you have trusted, wise people in your midst, perhaps it'd be appropriate and courageous to ask, is there something I'm doing that maybe I'm not aware of that people find difficult to connect with? That being said, the temptation to automatically assume and create a story that it's your fault, that there's something wrong and deficient with you, often misses that you are precious in God's sight, made in his image, made the way you are with purpose and intentionality by your Creator. You have been given gifts, a particular temperament, life experiences, your cultural background, and he has purposes to see them stewarded and used for good. Different doesn't always mean less than. Not fitting in doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with you. It's tempting to automatically point the finger of blame at yourself.

It's also tempting to point the finger of blame at others and to begin to see them with judgment and criticism and to harden your heart against them. Sometimes it's so much easier to act angry and feel angry and indignant to avoid the more tender emotions of hurt, disappointment, and sadness. It's tempting to want to write people off rather than doing the hard work of acknowledging and walking through the various complexities that come with relationships in a way that's careful, honest and tender. It's helpful to be mindful of your particular struggles in the midst of your longings to fit in.

The question here was, What do I do? And I don't know what your contexts and particulars are, but here are two more immediate things that come to mind. As God pursues you, continue to pursue others, not because they're pursuing you, not because they're welcoming to you, not because they provide the organic ease and the sense of fitting in, but because this is how God loves you. It has been so easy in my own life to want to write people off or cower and hide in shame. And both prevented me from the call to love, to know that I can walk into any group or gathering with a goal greater than to fit in, to be accepted, to be granted a sense of belonging, but a goal to follow the very steps of Christ who moved towards first, pursued first, initiated first, welcomed first, people who are different from him, him loving them at great cost to himself, being all too familiar with the challenges that come with relationships. Fitting in would be lovely, and we can speak our longing to God who hears and cares for us in that. Yet also doing the hard work of loving even when we don't feel like we'll get what we want in return is something that only makes sense if we know Christ. But perhaps when we do that, we can discover an intimacy and deeper knowing of him and his heart as we seek to walk in his ways here. I don't know if that means continuing to pursue and love the people you struggle to fit in with, or it's broadening your gaze to see the other people who may also feel similarly out of place, to have eyes to see those who may also feel like they're on the outside, who may also long but struggle to know that they can belong here too. And maybe it's both.

Lastly, I think there's value in taking time to pray about and consider what it means to steward the differences that you have, the very ones that make it hard for you to fit in. I'm paraphrasing something that I once heard David Powlison say, that there are things that God especially designed for you to do, gifts he has uniquely given you, people you can uniquely reach, ways that you can uniquely bless, ways that you and how God has created you has uniquely, purposefully allowed you to shine the light of Christ. Certainly, my high emotional sensitivity and being so deep didn't allow me to fit in easily many places, but I've seen God use it for good over time. And perhaps even our own experiences of not fitting in are uniquely preparing us for a ministry we could only do and can do with more grace, compassion, and understanding because we know what it's like to be on the outside, because we know the heartache and discomfort of feeling lonely and out of place, because we want to see how God can take that which is sad, painful, and disappointing to become a means of grace in the lives of those he loves. And that in his love, our stories of pain of not fitting in won't be wasted but redeemed for the good of his people and for his glory.