How do I wisely parent a defiant child?

Let me suggest four areas to consider. First, it’s important to understand the nature of defiance. A posture of defiance is ultimately a rejection of God’s authority that arises from indwelling sin in the heart. Each of us, child or adult, has a sinful bent toward defiance of God apart from the gracious working of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Now, that should immediately serve to soften our hearts toward our children and make us thankful for the good news of Jesus’s triumph over sin through his death and resurrection. God graciously moved toward us in our defiance, and we want to do the same with our children.

Second, understand yourself and your parenting approach. Ephesians 6:4 says that it’s possible for parents to exasperate their children. While children are certainly called to honor their father and mother, we need to ask ourselves if we are making it harder by placing unreasonable demands on them. Sometimes we exasperate our children simply because we are not consistent in our expectations for their behavior, or because we apply consequences inconsistently, or because we don’t understand the unique capabilities associated with their developmental age and overall maturity. Notice if you tend to respond to your child’s defiance in sinful ways. If we’re honest, sometimes our child’s defiance exposes our own heart issues of control and desires for comfort, respect, and peace. Helping your defiant child must involve an honest assessment of your own potential contribution to the problem. Addressing your own places of needed growth helps set the stage for being a better parent to your child.

Third, understand your child. Try to understand what may be beneath the anger and defiance. Seek to get to the heart of the matter. You want to do more than externally control a child’s defiance through punishment or rewards or distractions. Ask, what do they want, desire, fear, or believe in this moment? What are they not embracing regarding God’s character, actions, and promises? These conversations will likely need to happen at a time when the drama is less intense. Looking back on my own parenting, I realized too late that some of my daughter’s defiance at bedtime was related to fear rather than a willful desire to stay awake and do her own thing.

It’s also important to consider the wider context of your child’s defiance. Are there particular situations that seem to prompt the defiance? As a simple example, if your child is more disagreeable just before dinnertime, perhaps having a snack earlier in the afternoon may help. If the defiance is new, could your child be experiencing stressors such as bullying at school or some other traumatic event? In addition, certain neurodevelopmental issues such as autism or learning disabilities or ADHD impact a child’s behavior. This reminds us that children are embodied souls. If your child’s defiance seems out of the ordinary over an extended period of time, it may be wise to consider a medical evaluation by a pediatrician or other physician as part of a broader discerning process.

Fourth, understand potential ways forward. Let me suggest a few steps. Make it a priority to spend time with your child, getting to know them, enjoying them for who God has made them to be. Encourage them with the good you see in their lives. Rules without relationship tend to breed resentment. Remember that the end goal is not to build a better Pharisee. A rule-compliant child who is inwardly bitter is not a win, even if it feels like it makes your life easier as a parent. The goal is a growing heartfelt obedience as unto the Lord. Help them see the God-ward orientation of their attitude and actions.

What else? Aim for consistency in expectations and rules. Decide on age-appropriate expectations and don’t change them from one day to another. Strive for discipline that is loving, consistent, and planned. Rather than escalating during defiance, give your child a chance to calm down and reconsider their attitude. A built-in pause can be helpful as anger is mounting, whether in them or in you. And when you fail in your parenting, ask forgiveness of your child. In this way, you are modeling for them a gospel dynamic of faith and repentance that the Spirit may use to convict them of their own sinful attitudes. Seek the support and wisdom of other parents who have parented or are parenting oppositional children. Parenting a difficult child can be an isolating experience in the church. So having gracious, thoughtful, non-judgmental parenting peers is important.

Finally, pray. Lots. Your child’s defiance is a spiritual matter requiring spiritual resources, even if there may also be a bodily or situational contribution to discover, as I noted earlier. Prayer is a sign of humble dependence on God for his needed help, and it expresses hopefulness that God is and will be at work in the life of your child.