How do I walk well with someone when they are grieving and they do not share my Christian faith?

This is such a sweet opportunity to care well for someone who is hurting, and I really appreciate the sensitivity that is in this question, which is seeking to be thoughtful about what to take into consideration when there are different faith commitments. Certainly, this is the kind of difference that needs consideration. And as I have done that, I actually would want to move toward a similar category, regardless of whether the grieving person is a Christian or not. And that is just the category of friendship. I think it's very natural to be aware of a difference in faith, but I don't think we need to be thinking in altogether different categories. So I encourage you to ponder, How do I be a good friend to a grieving person? What does a faithful friend look like when someone is reeling from a terrible loss? I think if we can answer that question in a robust way, then we will be on the right track with whomever we are walking with.

So how do you be a good friend? Now, our Christian faith will absolutely inform how we answer that question, and it must. We have experienced the friendship of Jesus. We have been grateful recipients of his love and care to us. And so we want to learn from him as we consider this question of how to be a good friend. And so remembering that his care was an incarnational, embodied care is helpful for us now. He, the eternal son of God, put on flesh and entered into the world. He came to us and he cared about what we were going through. To the utmost he cared, to the cross he cared for us to redeem and save us, to make us friends of God. So what can we begin to draw from this? What are some parallels as we walk with a grieving friend? To be a good friend, we pursue others. We are willing to enter their world in order to be a kind, faithful presence. We are willing to meet them where they are, to be the kind of friend who understands that with a great loss there are potentially many confusing, painful questions and emotions that the person will be wrestling with, and that is expected. So how can I be with this person in such a way that they know they have the space to be honest with where they are and what this experience is like for them? How can I normalize their pain and confusion and avoid the misstep of offering them pat answers or easy solutions?

A good friend will also keep pursuing a grieving person after the acute period after a loss has ended. I'll give an example of what this can look like in the instance when the person is grieving after the death of a loved one. If this isn't the circumstance your friend is in, perhaps they're grieving from the loss of a marriage through divorce or grieving after a loss of a significant location such as after a move, some of the same principles of friendship and pursuit will certainly apply, but my examples now will be in the event of a loss of a loved one. So with this person, you can remember important dates and reach out on holidays. Let them know that they are remembered in their pain and that also their loved one that they lost is remembered. On a holiday, a simple text or call that sounds something like, "Holidays can be so hard to face without the presence of your loved one. I'm so sorry, and I'm thinking of you. " Or reaching out to your friend on the birthday of the person who died: “I'm remembering your loved one today. I imagine this day is so painful. How are you doing?” It blesses grieving people when we remember their loved one, and that is a fear that many grieving people have: Will this person who is so precious to me be forgotten? Often we might think, "I don't want to bring up the person who has died because that will remind the grieving person." But the pain of this loss is always with them. They don't forget. And though there is a logic to thinking I don't want to bring it up because maybe that'll stir up pain for them, I'd encourage you to remember with your friend the person who has died. Ask your friend, Will you tell me a story about them?

Grief can be so lonely, and grieving people often feel like a downer, especially when they see other people around them moving on with life after a loss and then feeling left behind because they are still immersed in the heartache. So you will bless them as you make room for them to express where they're at and to have those opportunities to speak about their loved one.

Finally, I imagine someone might be thinking at this point, Yes, but I'm also wondering if my Christian faith can be more explicitly expressed. What I've said so far is how you can embody Christlike love in a way that hasn't been explicit about your faith or how to express your beliefs. But if that matter of being more explicit is on your heart, I'll recommend a way into a potential conversation that is respectful and gives your friend the choice to have a spiritual conversation. You can ask for their permission to speak more openly about faith matters or questions. For example, you could say, "You know, as I've heard from you more of what the experience has been like, I'm wondering if I could share with you some of the Bible's comfort for hard times like this." If you don't ask for this kind of permission and just proceed and the person isn't ready or isn't interested, then it could result in some distancing between you and them. If they aren't open, that will be hard, but entrust them to the Lord. If they are open, also entrust them to the Lord. And in either case, trust that your faithful friendship is showing them something of the kind of friend that Jesus himself is, what he is like, and do keep praying for them as they grieve.