How do I help a friend who loves her children but does not enjoy being a mother?

At first glance, this question might elicit some shock and even some judgment. How does this happen? What’s wrong with her? It elicits strong responses like this precisely because a lot of women feel the exact opposite. For many, being a mother feels so natural and at times so easy, they can’t imagine feeling the way this woman does.

So then as a friend, maybe even a friend who doesn't understand feeling this way, what can you do to help? How can you be a support? And while I’m obviously not a mother myself, I think I can point in the right direction by giving two recommendations: give reassurance and be a resource.

The first thing that I would want to do is give her reassurance that there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s not bad, she didn’t do something wrong, and it's not that she doesn’t have her priorities in the right place. After all, it’s not like we get to choose how easy something is for us or how natural it feels. In fact, not only didn’t she do something wrong, but at its core this situation is really nothing more than the common human experience of recognizing that some of the most important and necessary things that we’re called to do are also sometimes the most difficult and unsatisfying. Therefore, I also want to reassure her that her predicament is a normal feature of the Christian life. It's what it means to follow Christ and persevere in a noble but hard calling, believing that Christ himself will equip and uphold his people. The benediction in Hebrews 13 says as much: “Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.”

The second recommendation is to be a resource and a support to her. One of the ways that you can help spur her on towards love and good deeds, as Hebrews 10:24 encourages us, is by helping her to establish practices and routines of mothering. Part of persevering in this calling of motherhood will likely entail establishing these routines and rituals and practices that can do the heavy lifting when her emotions and her motivations are absent or lacking.

And this will no doubt also include really leaning into those aspects of parenting that dovetail with her own interests—whether that’s cooking, or reading out loud, or visiting museums, doing community service, or going on hikes. The more she can structure and automate and pair the work of mothering with things that stir up delight and affection in her, the better. There’s no benefit in making it harder than it needs to be.

So two recommendations: give reassurance and be a resource. Reassure her that she is okay, that her task is not somehow to generate this feeling of enjoyment that she doesn’t have, or to become a different person. Instead, her task is to do the best she can, in God’s equipping of her and God’s working in her, to persevere in this calling of motherhood. And this faithful persevering will almost certainly include the building of routines and practices that help her do what is good and excellent and praiseworthy, even when she’s not feeling it.