In the face of loss, what does “grieving with hope” look like in the day-to-day?

Our family has seen a lot of death over the past few years, and so this question is very personal to me and to those I love most. As believers, how do we grieve with hope? Of course, we're borrowing from the apostle Paul's language in 1 Thessalonians 4: 13. And I appreciate this question because it's so tenderhearted. I can hear in this question this desire to grieve in a distinctively Christian way. We can't avoid sorrow in this world, but we do want our sorrow as believers to be seasoned with gospel hope. So we must grieve, we will grieve, but we want to grieve in these distinctively Christian ways.

My first encouragement would be to grieve honestly and freely. You see this throughout the Psalms. Don't stuff it. Don't stiff arm it. Don't apologize for it. Don't try to dodge it or deflect it or avoid it. Unfortunately, the healthiest way really is the hardest way, and that is through grief. Grief doesn't hurry well. It does not move fast. It's not linear. It's not even rhythmic. It really meanders and it wanders. Loss also plays tricks with time, and so your timeline might not be what you expect. It probably won't be what others expect. For example, a couple who suffers a miscarriage is not going to grieve in the same way or on the same timetable.

Along the way, accept that grief is going to sap your energy. Grieving is hard work, and we don't think of it as work because it's not chosen and it's often playing in the background, but it does take tremendous energy. Now, as you expend this energy, often unbeknownst to you as you work through an unknown timetable as grief meanders its way through your heart and life, remember how God views your grief. It does not drive him away. It draws out his compassion. God is never awkward or unwieldy or weary with our grief. He doesn't tire of it even as we ourselves tire of it and perhaps others around us tire of it. Grief over loss actually represents our love of what is good and what's beautiful. We wouldn't grieve and we couldn't grieve if we didn't love.

One of the best things about grief, as strange as it is to say, is that grief will really destroy our cliches and our platitudes. Loss will just tear those things down. But in this, we actually have an opportunity, and that is to go deeper into gospel realities and eternal promises. Christian grief will drive you deeper into death and resurrection and judgment and eternity and the new creation. And so study heaven and study hell and ask your questions and go deeper into faith and hope. You don't need the old cliches and platitudes you may have relied on before. You need genuine hope.

And in all of this, turn your thoughts and your feelings toward Christ. You don't need to understand or picture everything about your eternal future in Christ or the eternal future of your loved ones who've gone to be with him. It is enough to meditate on what he has revealed and then to entrust the rest to the one who says, “I am the resurrection and the life.”

 And then as you go through your day, let grief melt your heart into compassion and channel your sorrow into love, because those who have suffered loss can learn to love best. For example, you now know how meaningful it is when someone simply shows up. You know some true but untimely things that sound really good in your head but just shouldn't be said in the moment. With practice, your love can become more skillful, and you will know experientially what Paul meant when he said his grace is sufficient for me.

And finally, through the tears as you go, do the next thing, the next thing that God has put in front of you. God is honored by our simple faithfulness. He's not looking to be impressed. He doesn't expect superhuman feelings. And so cry hard and ask why and take your time, and then dry your tears and pick yourself up off the bed and say a prayer and go serve someone in your sorrow. And remember that the night will not last forever. Psalm 126:5–6, “Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy. He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.