How do I navigate conversations with Christians who believe differently than me?

First of all, I think it’s helpful to be clear about what kind of differences in belief that we’re talking about. It’s clear by this question that we are not talking about essential matters of Christian faith—the indisputable truths, the foundations on which Christianity stands or falls, things like the death, burial, and bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ; the doctrine of the trinity; justification by faith; or the authority of Scripture. These essential beliefs (and others) are absolutely necessary; they’re what make us Christians. They’re foundational gospel truths that undergird the entire Christian faith.

What we are talking about is the many things that we as Christians can and do disagree about. We call these “disputable matters.” These are the differences that place us into different denominations and churches and even differences of belief within the same congregation. For example, you and I may not hold the same beliefs when it comes to Christian baptism, whether it’s a believer or infant baptism; how and how often to celebrate the Lord’s Supper. We see legitimate disagreements like these in say 1 Corinthians 8–10 where Paul addresses whether to eat meat sacrificed to idols.

And then there are things that we can dialogue about, things that Christians who belong to the same denomination and even to the same church don’t agree on. Things like how to honor and remember the Sabbath, whether Christians should or should not drink alcohol. Those are disputable matters that place us into different denominations and churches and even that we can disagree on within the same church. So that’s the question: How are we to navigate these challenging conversations? And we certainly do feel strongly about these things.

Fortunately for us, Paul speaks directly to this very question in 2 Timothy 2:23–26. That’s where he takes a considerable amount of time in his counsel to Timothy to instruct him on how he should engage and how should he interact with Christians who disagree with him. Paul says in effect, “Timothy, you’re gonna dishonor yourself, you’re gonna bring shame to yourself and to the very truth that you’re trying to promote if you go about this conversation in the wrong way. And even this will discredit the gospel itself if you don’t do it in the right way.” In effect, “Timothy, when you’re trying to persuade another person in an important area of disagreement, you have to be careful not to hurt or offend or even further alienate the very person that you’re trying to convince.” You see, the problem is, if Timothy is tempted to put people in their place, he’s going to have forgotten the most important aspect of how to disagree with another person and navigate conflict. Paul says, “Timothy, you must not be a fighter, you must not be a fighter, you must not be quarrelsome.” In other words, how you discuss these differences is at least as important as the content of what you’re discussing.

And Paul says that there are threes ways to not be quarrelsome. Number one, avoid altogether the arguments that go around and around in circles and simply get everyone upset. Paul calls that “foolish and stupid arguments.” So we have to ask ourselves, is this discussion going to be productive? And if not, then don’t launch into it.

But when the matter is worth discussing and disputing, and it’s not just going to be a stalemate, then secondly, he says, Timothy, you have to be gentle and kind, and be very careful not to approach these conversations out of resentment and bitterness that oftentimes grow in these differences and in these relationships. Approach the conversation always with meekness, and that has a heart that is kind toward the other person that you’re speaking to, no matter if it’s with a close family member, no matter if it’s out in public, or even someone within your congregation.

Third, Paul says something that in my mind is an absolute gamechanger, that really could transform our conflicts. And he says, Timothy, you’re not the one who convinces people. You’re not the one who changes people’s hearts and minds. It’s God who’s in this business. He’s the one who grants repentance, he’s the one who softens hearts, who opens blind eyes to the truth. He’s the one who brings a person to his or her senses and even springs a person from the devil’s traps. So getting angry and speaking or interacting out of frustration, that’s only going to dishonor and bring shame both to Christ and to yourself.

When we see this as God’s work, it frees us from the temptations that come from believing that this person is wrong and it’s up to me to convince them. It even frees us up to avoid some arguments altogether that are not going to be fruitful. And if that’s true, then it leads us to pray for the very person we disagree with, maybe even in the conversation. It doesn’t mean that we’re not trying to be persuasive and to think clearly and biblically about a topic; of course we are. But praying acknowledges that at the end of the day, this is God’s work, this is God’s doing, not ours. And it prompts us not to reduce our relationship with this person down to the disagreement, down to the difference between us. It frees us to appreciate the person in front of us, that they are created in the image of God, they reflect some of who God is. And to be able to even delight in all that God has made this person, with whom we disagree, to be.