How can I care for my elderly parents without burning out?

This is an important question, one that I’m in the midst of living out myself. My wife and I have been caring for my 90-year-old mother since her stroke in June of 2023. She has had several hospitalizations since her initial stroke and a significant fall about a month ago that has decreased her mobility and stability. And as a result, she has required more hands-on care and oversight. So, this question resonates with me. What is important to keep in mind as you care for elderly parents while stewarding your own lives wisely before God?

First and foremost, remember that you are a finite human being. You may be exercising sacrificial love, but you do it as a person with limitations of your own. Sometimes caregiver burnout—that is, running low on the spiritual, relational, and physical resources that fuel daily life—sometimes that happens because we somehow think we can and must transcend our finiteness. But God calls you to serve others in deep dependence on him with an awareness of your finiteness. You are not the Messiah, nor am I. But we do draw our strength from the One who is the risen Lord and Savior. 2 Corinthians 1:8–10 really highlights this in the experience of Paul. This is what it says: “For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.”

As you rely on him, you don’t find that your limitations are magically erased, but you do find strength to take another step when you didn’t think another step was possible. And you gain wisdom to know when it’s necessary to replenish yourself before taking the next step.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you steward your spiritual, relational, and physical health before God.

Maintaining spiritual health—there are several aspects to this. Do you have the sense that God is calling you to this work of caregiving? Is your service being energized by Jesus’s own loving sacrifice on your behalf? Being motivated by guilt or a mere sense of duty will not carry you for the long haul. But if you’ve prayerfully discerned, “This is hard, but I’m convinced that what we’re doing is the Lord’s call in this season of life,” it will help bolster your stamina and perseverance. The cups of cold water that you are giving in Jesus’s name are precious in his sight, and the sacrifices you are making are partaking of the resurrection power of Jesus Christ, as I just mentioned.

Another aspect to consider: What is your own walk with God like? Where are you gaining spiritual sustenance? In an intensive season of caregiving, it can be difficult to find devoted time for prayer and study of God’s word. In certain seasons, attending church can be challenging to arrange. And yet, God meets you where you are at. Again, we see this invitation of Jesus to come to him in Matthew 11:28–30. We’ll read that now. Jesus says this: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Soul rest can still happen even amid difficult circumstances.

What else to consider? What are your temptations? Be aware of common heart responses, such as anger (“My time is not my own.”) or fear (“How long will this go on?”) or guilt (“I’m not doing enough.”). These are things to talk with Jesus about and trusted friends as well. So that’s attending to your spiritual health.

What about maintaining relational health? If you’re married, are you united with your spouse on this sense of calling from the Lord? Do you feel like you are sharing the burdens and commitments of caregiving? Because caregiving will impact your marriage and the time you are able to spend together.  Because of the often-relentless pace of daily caregiving, it’s especially important to proactively plan for one-on-one time out of the house. We have a few friends who have asked to stay with my mom so my wife and I can get out for an afternoon or evening. And we hire a college student to stay with her when we have our small group meetings from church. Sometimes, longer periods of respite may be necessary.

What about maintaining physical health? I think this is really challenging and is often the area that gets least attention for caregivers. Because my wife or I have care-giving responsibilities during the day into the evening, we often resume work or do errands later at night. This sometimes means going to bed later than we want to, which impacts both the length and quality of sleep. But we know that we can’t do this for days on end. Sleep is a gift that God gives his finite creatures, and to set aside other good things (such as decluttering a room or a more elaborate meal preparation or just one more email) that may be necessary to get more consistent sleep.

And finally, another thing to keep in mind is to be open to a different path if your situation changes. As your loved one declines in health, you may well need to reassess your calling and capabilities. What was doable 6 months ago may not be wise now. So it’s helpful to explore other potential paths even if you are not making use of them currently, whether that is increased home care by an outside agency or having your elderly parent move into a long-term care facility.

Rather than merely avoiding burnout (as important as that is), your ultimate goal is to walk with Jesus on this challenging road, experiencing how his power is perfected in your weakness, to use the language of Paul later in 2 Corinthians.