A loved one consistently shames me. How do I deal with this?

This sounds really painful. How hard to be mistreated by someone who you care about and have a relationship with. I appreciate the person's willingness to deal with this. It can be very overwhelming to confront someone's challenging behavior, and I know it takes courage and faith to deal with something with a loved one. So the question is, How do I deal with this? Now, I'm assuming from how this question was posed that the person has not yet spoken to their loved one about it. So I'm going to think with you about how to communicate about this matter, because I do think that what is happening is important enough to speak about. And if this is a loved one, then that person is in your life and presumably will continue to be. So I would see this as a way to care for the relationship. And when something is happening in a relationship that harms your connection and fellowship, then that deserves to be talked about and worked through. Which is another way to capture the idea of Matthew 18, that when your brother sins against you, go to him. That's the counsel. Go, speak about the sin, and work through it so you can be reconciled. Now, I know the idea of going to someone can bring up a lot of feelings, fear of, How is this going to go? Second guessing yourself—Is this really a big deal? Apprehension—How will I be received? And other emotions, I'm sure. So acknowledge what emotions it raises in you as you anticipate confrontation. This is an aspect of preparation, and I'm using the word preparation because a conversation of this nature deserves preparation and I'm going to help you to do that.

Let me offer one other way to biblically frame what you are preparing to do as you think about how to deal with what is happening, and that is that you dealing with it is a way to love the other person. When we have to confront someone because their behavior is wrong or sinful, that tends to feel icky. It doesn't always feel like an act of love because we feel so many icky things. That reminds me of Hebrews 12:11 when it says that all discipline at the time seems painful rather than pleasant. Of course it does, and in the same way, confrontation will seem painful rather than pleasant, but the verse goes on to say, “but later yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness by those who have been trained by it,” and that is a lovely way for you to pray.

And prayer is another aspect of your preparation. Lord, would you use this conversation to yield a peaceful fruit of righteousness in me and in this person and in our relationship? Another reason I say it is loving to confront the person is because it could help restrain their sin in the future. If they are shaming you, it is sin against you, and by you confronting it, it's an opportunity for them to see it for what it is, repent, and move forward differently. You give them this opportunity by your raising it, and again, that is loving on your part.

So let's think about how to do it. Now, I recommend you try to have this conversation in a proactive way and not wait until the next time this person shames you, because if you try to do it on the heels of this person having just said another hurtful comment, then you'll be upset understandably, and that is not as ideal because you might be more reactive in that moment. So try to bring it up in a neutral moment. What should you focus on? Prepare by thinking of the last two instances, the two most recent times your loved one shamed you, because then the person is more likely to remember them. Think through, maybe even write it down to try and help yourself remember. What did the person say and how did their words impact you? The impact is the most important thing you will share. How have their shaming words landed in your heart, mind, and emotions? How have they pained you or made you wrestle or resulted in self-doubt? Then, as a further consideration of impact, think about how this person's mistreatment impacted your relationship with them. Have you pulled away, even in small ways? Do you feel less eager or even afraid to see them or spend time together because you don't know what they'll say? Have they lost some of your trust? Has your sense of, this is someone to share your life with or open up to, changed? So in preparation, consider how you have been personally impacted and how you see the relationship has been impacted by the person's consistent shaming. Then plan to communicate a summarized version of the impacts. Plan to communicate your desire for how you'd like to experience the relationship and how you see their mistreatment working against what you long for.

Of course, I hope and pray that the person is receptive to you, that they will care about your experience, repent, and change their future behavior. That is possible, and that is the outcome we hope for. But surely how they respond to you will give you an indication of where they are in their own heart. Do they get defensive, deny what they've said, minimize how it hurt you, minimize the impacts? Or do they humbly listen? Do they ask your forgiveness? Do they express sorrow for the ways you and the relationship has been impacted? Does their behavior change a little or a lot over time? All of this is important to notice and look for as you discern what the relationship will look like moving forward. Again, I commend you for dealing with this, and as you prepare and then go to have this conversation with your loved one, I am thankful for God's presence with you. He is a help and a strength in our times of need, and he will be with you.