That's a really difficult question and you're highlighting the rollercoaster ride that so often happens in the midst of an infertility evaluation or treatment for infertility. Your hopes are up in the middle of the month and then dashed by the end of the month. But I really appreciate the honesty and I appreciate the desire to turn to the Lord and not become embittered in the midst of that struggle. When I suspect there are some days when you are tempted like Job's wife to curse God and die.
So what keeps us, what can keep you from the edge of that cliff? I think it's lamenting well. It's engaging with God rather than raging against God. I think that by doing so, by getting our honest and raw struggles out before the Lord and before some trusted friends is really critical to keep from getting embittered.
And I know that in my own life if I keep sorrow and grief inside it tends to eat away, it tends to grow into cynicism or bitterness or anger that's just beneath the surface. But God calls us to engage because He hears the cry of the brokenhearted. So in the Psalms, let the Psalms be a model for the way you engage. Look at the Psalms of lament, Psalms like 13 or 42 or 77 or 88 would be great Psalms to take a look at. They model for us not only what it's like to bring our heartaches to the Lord and our confusion and our questions, but also how to reorient and grow in our trust of Him in the midst of distressing situations.
You'll be likely left with a mystery of why God has allowed this suffering, but you'll also be left with Jesus Christ, who is our suffering servant. He is the man of sorrows who has walked that road of suffering, He knows us, He knows your pain and He wants to walk with you in the valley that you're experiencing.