How do I walk with my children through separation and divorce?

One of the greatest concerns for somebody facing divorce is the well-being of their children. They know that their children are forever going to be impacted by the dissolution of their marriage. This is simply a reality of divorce—so many things change. So thinking about how to shepherd your children through a divorce and all the coming changes is critically important. When our children face hard things, suffering of any kind, we want them to know God's care for them. We want them to know that he has not forgotten about what they need. We want our children to be able to turn to the Lord for comfort and stability when everything else seems to be changing. 

At the same time, when you're going through a divorce, you’re hurting. Your world has been turned upside-down. There's so much uncertainty in your own life, and you might be worried about housing, money, custody, what other people think. Your world is crumbling. What your children need from you is to lay those things aside for a time and focus on them. Remember that your children need you to talk to them about their concerns. They do not need you to talk to them about your worries or fears; this adds to their distress and gives them the idea that they are responsible for things they have no control over. The Lord wants to hear about all those things, and he is powerful enough to help you with every coming need. Your children are not. Your children need you—they need you to talk about their needs.

So you want to be mindful that your interactions with them are centered around what they need. You want to ask them what their concerns are. Continually invite them to ask questions. Children are practical and they will want to know where they will live, go to school, and what their new room will look like. So if you are in a position to work with their other parent to have some of those answers for your children laid out, that is going to bless them. That will reassure your children that you have thought about their concerns. Sometimes when a marriage breaks down, it’s not possible to easily sort details out. Then you have to be honest with your child—we don't know how things will look, but we are working to figure those things out and will tell you.

Now if the divorce is contentious, you might say, we’re having trouble working those things out, but other adults are helping us. Again, you want to lift the burden from your children, but you must be honest and remind them that their concerns are important to you and the Lord. Even if you don’t know, the Lord knows, and he has promised to provide what we need. 

There are three things I would highlight to have on your radar as you are shepherding your child through a divorce. 

The first is that children often blame themselves, so you will want to reinforce that the divorce is not their fault. Again, you don’t want to bring in details that would overwhelm your child, but you do want to provide an explanation for why the marriage is ending, one that makes sense given what they have observed, and one that is honest and will fit into the larger story they will one day likely hear when they become adults. You need to be a source that they can trust. 

Secondly, you want to work hard to not create a loyalty conflict for your children. God calls your child to love and honor both their parents. It is good for them that they have a relationship with both of their parents. As much as you can, you want your child to be free to enjoy and talk about their life with both parents. It might be hard for you that they love someone who hurt you so deeply, so if you are struggling here, please get support for this. 

I also must say that the hope of fostering their relationship with the other parent does not mean you do not protect them from a harmful parent. You still must teach your child to discern when someone is harming them or others. But you want to do this with a sophistication that does not create a loyalty conflict for your child. It is not that they have to choose a parent’s side or love one parent more than the other; they simply need skills and wisdom to address the sin that touches them. If the divorce was caused by a deep-seated relational sin, like abuse, you probably will need help walking this out. 

Third, let your child grieve. With divorce comes many losses, and your desire for them to be okay should not shortcut their grieving. Provide space for them to express sorrow, maybe even lament with them, helping them talk to God about what hurts and worries them.  The best way you can help your child is to get care for your hurts, fears, and confusion so that you are free to shepherd your children through their needs and concerns. When you experience Jesus meeting your needs and helping you to heal, your children will witness your dependence upon him and his restorative work.