How do I encourage and help my child who is shy and anxious in social situations?

Well, it is true that struggling with shyness can be a lifelong struggle, but for others, it doesn't have to be. And a child can actually grow through these experiences of shyness to the point of it not being a crippling experience for them. Now, I think it's important to note that a shy child is often a sensitive child, which comes not just with a downside, but with real interpersonal strength. Oftentimes, a shy, sensitive child has an awareness of others in social settings, the ability to understand and read others and to respond to them in ways that are full of compassion and quite brilliant, to be honest. So it's not, shyness is not just a deficit. It comes out of a child who has a temperament that might be quieter, that might be more internal in their thinking, and oftentimes prefers smaller settings, smaller groups of individuals rather than larger groups.

So I love your question. How do we encourage your child who struggles with shyness? Well, number one, if it's possible, try to prepare ahead with your anxious child, because preparation is really helpful when a child is going into a setting that's intimidating, right? When this setting, whether that be going to church, going to school in the morning, a sports game, maybe going to the lunchroom—these settings are already weighing on your child's heart, maybe before you even are aware of it. So they're thinking about it and they're stressing about it. And if your child already knows about an upcoming event or a setting that is intimidating, chances are they're already dreading it, right? They're intimidated by it. It's on their hearts and minds. Or they're trying to avoid thinking about it. But on some level, it's weighing on them. It's there. It's running in the background of their hearts and minds.

So preparing ahead of time is going to be essential. And how do you prepare? What do you do? Well, it's helpful to encourage your son or daughter to put into words both what scares them in these settings and what they want to have happen, what they want to do in that particular setting that they're going into. And when you start to talk to your son or daughter about what's going on inside, what they're fearing, what scares them, and what they're looking forward to, well, you'll see essentially two things, both fears and then desires.

So what are they fearing? Typically, a shy child is fearing being embarrassed, not being liked or popular in that settling, saying or doing something where they feel dumb or they feel foolish, not being good enough, or even they feel disadvantaged in a certain situation because they have weaknesses or they're not as skillful in that setting, they're not as experienced there. They might feel just uncomfortable socially. Will they say something or do something that's awkward, that makes others feel uncomfortable? Maybe they're afraid that they'll appear to be boring and uninteresting to others. They don't know what to say always. Maybe in that context they don't know how to respond. And so in a nutshell, going into that setting, they feel vulnerable and exposed. They feel weak and small.

But they're not just fearing certain things. They're not just scared of certain experiences. They also have a heart of desires. They're also longing for things, like others' approval in that setting; they want to be liked, they want to be accepted. They want others to have a good opinion of them. And alongside those desires for others to think well of them, they have a desire to hide or to play it safe, to be self-protected. So at the heart of shyness is these more tender questions. What will these people that I care about think of me? And that becomes oftentimes the central focus, and the central fear is, I don't think I can succeed in this setting.

Simply helping your child to talk about, to put into words and put their fingers on what scares them in that setting, what they desire in that setting, is really helpful. And as you start to help your child to put these things into words, you can then move into asking and having a conversation with them about what Jesus might desire in those very places. What would please him? What would bring him joy in that place? How can your child actually be faithful before and during and then after going into school or maybe at the lunch table or at the sports event? The goal for you in these conversation is not only to have your son or daughter to speak and to put their finger on their fears and desires, but also to engage with the Lord and to change the focus from what they're fearing to looking outward, from being defensive and protective and scared to actually seeing and focusing on others around them.What would it look like to love and care for and really see the people in that particular setting? To love them actually more than I fear their opinions or want them to like me? What does faithfulness look like in church, in a study hall, walking into school first thing in the morning?

So help your son or daughter make a plan before they go into these settings, if they can see them ahead of time. And then help them practice whatever skills they're going to need. The simple skills that build confidence in that setting. Find a friend or go yourself with them into that setting and encourage them to welcome others into conversation, into relationship there. As you're speaking with your son or daughter, as you're planning, as you're practicing, don't forget how important it is to walk with them to the Lord as well, and to cry out to God there as well, and to remind them that God is with them. God will be with them in that place, will actually help them to serve, to do what they're supposed to do, to be faithful. God will not abandon them there. Your presence and your engaging with your son and daughter over time again and again as they go into these difficult and intimidating settings will make all the difference and will encourage them to grow as they experience their shyness.