How do I avoid shame-based parenting?

Shame-filled words seem to flow from us when we feel overwhelmed, fearful, afraid of what other people will think of us. Parenting is high stakes—our children are on display for the world to see, and they are so precious to us that we want them to be successful and free from destructive sin. So when something is not right, we are tempted to pounce, and sometimes we yell, we belittle, or we label misbehavior in stigmatizing ways. We want to take back control.

But our children don’t need us to control them; they need us to teach them. We are to train up a child in the way they should go. Training takes time and investment. It builds skills, and a worldview, and a love for Jesus. They need us to help them relate to the Lord and not feel unworthy of his or our help. 

I want to offer practical help here—something that helped me. When my children were younger, I realized that my parenting suffered when I did not know what to do. When my children presented me with a situation that I didn’t know how to handle, I would most likely lose my patience and have unhelpful, exasperated, fear-filled responses. Responses that were likely to shame my children.

So I encourage you to think about each of your children. Where are they struggling? If we spend some time thinking about them, we can almost anticipate the ways that they are going to sin or challenge us. It helped me to have a list of the top three things for each of my children. One child I knew was going to be super slow in getting ready when we needed to leave. Another child I knew was going to have a hard time expressing their hurt appropriately. 

So then, in the quiet of my room, I was able to sit down and come up with parenting strategies for each of these moments. So when they arose, I knew what I was going to say, how the child would be handled, and what consequences they would face. I needed time to figure out what I needed to be teaching in order to help them be successful, and what I wanted the child to learn in the midst of their misbehavior.

It also helped me evaluate whether their behavior was willful, whether they were struggling because they lacked skills and maturity, or whether they had a weakness that needed buttressing. It was a lot easier to be clear when I was out of the pressured situation. This moved me from being a reactive parent to being a parent who is focused on shepherding a child holistically through their struggles. It also gave me time for how I wanted to frame their challenges, to pick my words carefully, so that I was able to honor them as image bearers. It provided me time to pray and ask the Lord for help. But it also focused me on what each of my children needed most from me and the Lord when they were struggling. 

So I would encourage you to do something similar—sit down with your spouse and come up with a list of the anticipated missteps of your children. Look for themes and then work on making a parenting plan for the top three things. And remember, there will always be things to work on in your children. They are sinners, they are sufferers, and they are just learning how this world works and who the Lord is. So pace yourself. God is patient with us. He knows we are a long-term project, that we can only focus our growth in a few areas at a time. So pick only a few things, and trust the Lord that you will have time to get to the rest.