by Mike Emlet

"Do you like him?"  "Huh?" I thought to myself.  I found the question an odd one.  Ten years ago I was serving as an intern at CCEF and had just presented my case to Ed Welch, who was supervising me.  And now he was asking me if I liked my counselee.  Why shouldn't I?  I mean, wasn't I supposed to like him?  What other option was there?  He was the counselee God had given me, right?!

It didn't take long to understand the wisdom of Ed's question.  He was probing how I had experienced my counselee.  He knew that the counseling relationship, like any relationship we have, has the potential to expose much in the life and heart of the counselor and that it was important to grow in self awareness of these dynamics.  Of course, this self awareness is critical not only for interns but also for seasoned counselors.

Probably the most common issue that counseling evokes in the heart of an intern is fear, and this comes in many varieties.  On the one hand, there is an appropriate level of trepidation when dealing with the fine china of people's lives.  We should never be cavalier nor overly confident.  Paul himself spoke of approaching the Corinthians "in weakness and fear, and with much trembling" as he brought the gospel to them, realizing that his ministry was absolutely dependent upon the Spirit's power (1 Cor. 2:1-5).

On the other hand, inordinate fears can impact the counseling relationship negatively.  If an intern tends to struggle with fear of man, he or she may find it difficult to raise difficult issues in session or to challenge the counselee when it would be wise to do so.  One of our current interns, Alasdair Groves, insightfully refers to this kind of person as "The Affirminator."  Such an intern may be very skilled at encouragement and support, but struggles more with exhortation or confrontation.  This may be especially problematic if the counselee has a strong personality and strong opinions.

Even if a counselor doesn't typically struggle with fear of man, a common "heart-revealer" for any intern is when a counselee does not return after the first session or two.  Often, no definite reason is given.  Either way, this sometimes evokes doubts regarding one's competency as a counselor.  It can stir up feelings of failure.  "What did I do wrong?  What could I have said differently?  How could I have structured the session differently?  What is it about me that contributed to this termination?"  These are important questions to ask, but often the termination happened as a result of several factors.  The intern's personal approach or skill level may or may not be central.  Either way, there is a need to entrust the counselee to God's care and to move forward, believing that one's labor in the Lord is never in vain (1 Cor. 15:58).

Even seasoned counselors are not immune to the wear and tear of helping relationships, particularly when counseling problems are complex and longstanding or the counselee is resistant to change.  If you have been counseling for while, how do you experience this? Do you ever second-guess yourself and doubt whether you really know how to lead people through their struggles? Do you become frustrated when progress is slow? How do you respond when your own weaknesses are made clear to you? Do you feel inordinately weighed down when you look at your counseling schedule for the week?

Of course, the opposite may be true—you may be too confident of your abilities!  Have you gone on "auto-pilot" with certain counselees?  Have you lost a sense of fresh dependence on God and a redemptive urgency for your counselees?  If any of these questions strikes a chord, let it serve as a heart check.  Let it propel you toward Jesus and ask for his grace and mercy, both for you and for your counselee.

God's agenda for sanctification is always happening and the counseling relationship provides a great context for the Spirit to do his work, not only in the counselee but also in the counselor!  Interns usually find that their year of work is as much about their own growth in character as it is about their progress in building counseling skills.  In fact, by God's design, the two are inseparable—and that remains true throughout a lifetime of counseling.

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