I’ll never forget those grief-stricken eyes – sad, hollow, distant. She watched helplessly as her husband’s life withered away. He was a good man in his early forties, the father of two children, and committed to Christ, family, and ministry. Her husband’s dying pushed her to the borders of her faith. What good, what love, what meaning could she find in the death of this young husband and father? How could God let this happen?

*     *     *

A father sobbed as he told of the accident scene where he saw his daughter’s lifeless body lying twisted on the pavement. His voice shook with emotion over the shocking insanity of death. His wife had taken their three children to the community pool for an afternoon of fun. After their swim, they were crossing the road to get to their car. Suddenly, their three-year-old daughter dropped her mother’s hand and darted into the street. A speeding SUV struck and killed her. Their lives would never be the same.

*     *     *

I looked at my mother in her hospital bed; her body ravaged by age and disease. She had been so vibrant, so strong, so alive. Now, her frail body lay in a tangle of tubes. The hum of life support machines drowned out her weak breaths. Helplessly we watched death take her, defying all the technology that tried to keep her alive. We held her lifeless hand and pushed the hair off her forehead. We kissed her cheek and straightened her sheet as if she were there. We simply didn’t know how else to act. We had so much unfinished business with her. But we would have no more conversations. No more phone calls. No more visits. No more anything. We were left with a warehouse of fond and painful memories and a collection of faded photographs.

*     *     *

The Bible isn’t arranged by topic. We can’t go to the section on grief and collect what we need for life’s darkest moments. Yet God’s great story of redemption has much to say about your story of grief. This booklet, I hope, will help you see how your story of loss fits in the larger story of God’s plan to fix everything that sin has so cruelly broken.

This booklet has two main sections: first, what to think when death enters your door; and second, what to do. I realize that your loss is precious and unique, utterly unlike anyone else’s. My goal is not to squeeze you into a “one size fits all” mold. I do want to help you see how the great themes of God’s story speak with power to what you face in the death of a loved one. Only one Person can pick you up in your darkness and carry you into the light.

THINKING YOUR WAY THROUGH DEATH’S DARKNESS

You Cannot Prepare for Death

Whether death results from a sudden accident or a long illness, it catches us unprepared. Death is so deeply emotional and stunningly final that there is nothing you can do ahead of time to sail through your moment of loss.

It was the same in biblical times. Scripture includes many poignant stories about God’s people that resonate with the familiar drama of life in a fallen world. The people in the Bible are like us. They feel what we feel, especially in death. Their world operates in the same broken way ours does.
One such story tells about Absalom, King David’s son. Absalom and his army plotted to take over David’s throne. When David’s army successfully crushed the rebellion, Absalom was killed, even though David had ordered that he be taken alive. David reacted with profound grief when he heard of Absalom’s death.

The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway
and wept. As he went, he said, “O my son Absalom! My son, my
son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you – O Absalom, my
son, my son!” (2 Sam. 18:33)

David voices the cries of every grieving parent. No matter how unexpected or how predictable, death shakes us to the core. The pain is inescapable. You will hurt. You will grieve. Don’t feel guilty or embarrassed if you feel unprepared to face it. There is no way to prepare for what you are going through. But just knowing that may help you.

Death Was Not Part of God’s Original Plan

We all feel death’s wrenching finality. Death is so wrong, so completely out of step with life as God planned it. The apostle Paul could think of no better word for it than “enemy” (1 Cor. 15: 25-26). Death is the enemy of everything good and beautiful about life as God planned it. Death should make you morally sad and righteously angry. It is a cruel indicator that the world is broken; it is not functioning according to God’s original design. In his plan, life was to give way to life, on into eternity.

It is biblical to treat death as the sad, unnatural thing it actually is. God encourages you to mourn. Death was simply not meant to be. When you recognize this, you will hunger for the complete restoration of all things. You will long to live with the Lord in a place where the last enemy – death – has been defeated.

You Are Never Alone in the Darkness

The experience of loss is powerful. The circumstances around death are individual and unique. It is normal to feel as if no one has been through what you now experience. People surround you, yet you feel like you are all by yourself. Feelings of separation and alienation accompany grief.

Yet the sadness of losing a loved one is a universal experience. A company of mourners surrounds you. Their lives have also been touched by the pain of death. Yet there is an even more powerful way in which you are not alone. Your Savior has taken the name Emmanuel, or “God with us.” This name reminds us that, as you came to Christ, you literally became the place where God dwells. You have a powerful Brother, Savior, and Friend who not only stands beside you, but resides within you. That hope will help you make it through your pain.

Psalm 88 says, “You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend” (v.18). Psalm 88 begins and ends in darkness and isolation. Where is hope in the hopeless cry of this psalm? Psalm 88 gives us hope in our grief precisely because it has no hope in it! It means that God understands the darkness we face. He is right there in it with us, “an ever-present help in trouble” (Ps. 46:1). The Lord of light is your friend in darkness. The Lord of life stands beside you in death. The Lord of hope is your companion in your despair. The Prince of Peace supports you when no peace can be found. The God of all comfort waits faithfully near you. The Source of all joy is close by when death has robbed you of joy.

Ultimate Bad Meets Ultimate Good in the Gospel

Is death a bad thing? Yes. But Scripture tells us that the brightest of good things can be found in the midst of evil’s darkness.

The cross most powerfully demonstrates this. On the hill of death outside the city, the best thing ever came out of the worst thing ever. Peter says this about Christ’s death: “This man was handed over to you by God’s set purpose and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put him to death by nailing him to the cross” (Acts 2:23).

What could be worse than the killing of the Messiah? What could be more unjust than the illegal execution of the one perfect person who ever lived? What could be a greater injustice than the torture of the One who came to free us from death? Peter says that the death of Christ was an evil deed by evil men, the ultimate bad thing done to the ultimate good person.

But Peter says more. He says that God delivered up Jesus for his own “set purpose.” This terrible moment was under God’s control. He planned from the beginning to use the ultimate evil to accomplish the ultimate good for humanity. In this dark moment, God conquered sin and death—two enemies we could never defeat on our own. On that cross of death, sin and righteousness met.

In the same way, God often brings the most lasting and wonderful things out of the darkest moments in our lives. Sometimes the death of one of God’s children preaches the gospel more powerfully than his life ever could. Sometimes in the shadow of imminent death, feuding family members make peace. Sometimes a funeral brings closure to things that would never have been resolved any other way.

Your Lord is present in this darkness. He planned the darkest things to result in redemptive good for his children. He surrendered his Son to death so that you could have life. He will not abandon you now.

There Is More to Life

Every time someone dies, it reminds those watching that God’s work is not yet complete. Because of sin, death entered the world. Only when sin is completely defeated will death cease to be part of the equation. Paul says about Christ’s present ministry: “For he must reign until he has put all enemies under his feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death” (1 Cor. 15:25-26).

Christ died so that we would no longer have to die. He rose again so that death would be put to death. Every time someone dies, it reminds us that death still lives. But every death also points us to the promise that Christ brings a resurrection once and forever. Through Christ, death has been defeated. One day, life will no longer give way to death. Children will not mourn their parents. Parents will not mourn their children. There will be no widows or grieving friends. Yes, death is an enemy, but this enemy will die. Christ’s present reign guarantees this. One day, life will give way to life in eternity.
As you weep, know this: the One who weeps with you is not content for things to stay as they are. His death was a cry and his resurrection a promise. The living Christ will continue to exert his power and you will grieve no more.

Grieve in a New and Different Way

God has not chosen to remove us from this world where death is a daily reality. For our good and for his glory, he has chosen to have us remain where grief will touch us all. But believers grieve in a way different from those who do not know the Lord.

In times of death, Christians should be sadder than anyone else. We know how sin brought death into the world. We mourn not only for the loved one we have lost, but also for the fact that death continues to destroy. We live in a place where something that was never meant to be has become a common experience. We know how wonderful life on earth could have been.

Yet we should also be the most hopeful of any who mourn. God brings the best things out of the worst. Even in the darkest moments, we are never alone. The death and resurrection of Christ stand as a sure and reliable promise that someday death will die.

God doesn’t call you to stifle your grief or put on a happy face when you are crushed. He doesn’t expect you to hide behind religious clichés and theological platitudes. God approves of your tears! But he welcomes you to look at death through the eyes of Christ. The comfort and hope he provides does not remove your grief, but they allow you to grieve in a brand new way. And he promises one day to take you to a place where you will never cry again.

WALKING YOUR WAY THROUGH DEATH’S DARKNESS

Normally, I look forward to each new day and its possibilities. But this day was an exception. It was the day of my mother’s memorial service. I dreaded the finality of the day and the many painful conversations of consolation with those attending the service. Yes, I knew that people meant well; their words would be kind and well- intentioned. But my mother’s death had resurrected painful memories about our relationship that could never be shared. How would I make it through the day?

Death is never easy. It is an emotionally volatile event that is painful in unexpected ways. Death digs up buried memories. It brings some people together and drives others apart. It begins some things and ends others. Death mixes happiness with sadness. But we can act in ways that show our hope in Christ.

Speak with Honest Emotion

The Bible is honest about the sorrows of life. God welcomes you to be honest as well. The Psalms capture examples of such honesty. Psalms 13, 22, 38, 42, 55, 59, 61, 73, and 88 all record God’s people bringing their honest grief, questions, and complaints to the Lord.

Perhaps you are in a place where you are confused or even angry with God. You want to complain about his sovereignty. It is an act of faith to bring that complaint to him in the pattern of these psalms. Your faith in God should never silence you in the dark hours of grief. Rather, this is when we begin to understand how deep, rich, and sturdy God’s love for us really is. He will not turn away from your questions or be surprised by your grief. He will not be repulsed by your anger or turn his back on your pain. He understands the darkest moments of human existence and enters them with boundless mercy, unending love, and amazing grace.

The Psalms record the cries of God’s people: “For the LORD has heard my weeping” (Ps. 6:8).  They invite us to bring our grief to the One who cares for us more than anyone else ever could. God never turns a deaf ear to the cries of his children. No cry is too anguished for his ears. He listens – and answers. Have you poured out your grief to him?

Run to Where Comfort Can Be Found

Grievers seek comfort. But where do they find it? The Bible reminds us that all true comfort has its source in the Lord (2 Cor. 1:3-4). In grief, we often seek out other comforts: memories, material things, distractions (TV, CD player, exercise, reading, crafts, work, food, people). They all provide some measure of comfort but none can fill the one place where grief causes us to feel so empty – our hearts.

Only one Person can provide the comfort that restores your heart – the source of all true comfort, Jesus Christ. He knows your pain. He went through death himself. He is able to touch you where you most need to be touched, in your heart. In all the things you do to get yourself through the shock and grief of loss, don’t forget to run to the one place where true comfort can be found. He will always hear. He is committed to comfort you. Where are you seeking to find comfort?

Resist Grief’s Temptations

When you grieve, you are vulnerable to temptations you would normally resist. The enemy of your soul attacks in your weakest moments. He targets strugglers. In times of loss and grief, look out for these temptations:

Doubt. When you are shocked at the death of someone you love, it can be tempting to doubt God’s goodness, mercy, faithfulness, and love. You don’t feel loved. You don’t feel like you are the object of God’s goodness. You cry for mercy, but you don’t see it. It is easy to lose sight of what God is actually doing. If you wander down into a dark, windowless basement and the door locks behind you, you can’t see any light or feel the sun’s warmth. But did the sun stop shining? No. Powerful feelings of grief can get in the way of our experience of God’s goodness. But don’t give in to doubt. Hold onto your belief in his love and mercy more than ever before.

Anger. Death should make you angry that the effects of sin still touch us. But be careful that anger at death doesn’t degenerate into anger with God. In the face of things they do not understand, in the middle of questions that no one can honestly answer, many people bring God into the court of their judgment. Resist giving in to such anger. It blinds you to God’s true nature and ever-present help.
Envy. Death often makes us feel that we have been singled out for suffering. You may wish you could switch lives with someone else. But that is dangerous. Envy is rooted in a disappointment with God that says, “You didn’t give me what I want!” In envy, you are less able to deal with your loss in biblically constructive ways.

Self-pity. In your pain, you are tempted to move God out of the center of your life. Life becomes all about you. No one’s loss or pain is as great as yours. You descend to a level of self-pity and self-absorption you wouldn’t have tolerated before. Despite the way you feel, don’t set aside the two great commands to love God and others.

Are you resisting the temptations that grief sends your way?

Seek God’s Resources

God likens the church to a physical body of interconnected and interdependent parts. He reminds us that life is a community project. In grief, it is tempting to turn inside yourself and avoid the community around you. You can’t bear one more heartfelt condolence or one more conversation about how you are doing. But Paul tells us we should “bear one another’s burdens” precisely because he knows that we will all encounter burdens too heavy to carry alone (Gal 6:2). In these moments, remember:

• Cry out in weakness and ask for help from others. God never expected you to do this alone. Asking for help does not show a lack of faith.
• God promised to provide what you need to face what he calls you to face.
• Those who help you will in turn be helped through helping you.

Are you asking yourself where you need help, and who God has provided to help you?

Look for Blessings in Your Grief

Paul tells the Thessalonian Christians to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:18). That preposition “in” is important. In part, Paul is saying, “Even in life’s hardest moments, God calls you to look for his grace, to search for his love, and to expect his mercy.” Don’t let grief rob you of worship or permit a complaining spirit to replace a thankful heart.

God doesn’t expect you to jump for joy when you lose someone precious. But he has promised never to leave you. You will find blessings in the middle of your grief. Perhaps it will be someone’s love and support. Perhaps it will be financial provision. Perhaps a confusing decision becomes clearer. Perhaps there will be precious family moments. Perhaps it will be a sense of God’s presence in a moment of struggle. Maybe the wisdom of his Word will guide just when you need it most. Perhaps your relationship with the Lord will deepen. Death has a way of clarifying truth for us. We see how weak and needy we are and we gain a deeper understanding of God’s powerful grace. We learn to seek him in ways we never have before and spiritual growth begins. Are you looking for the blessings that are hidden in your grief?

Rely on Your Spiritual Habits

Sometimes grief is so powerful that it feels like you died too. It is hard to live without the person you lost. But you live on because God has chosen for you to do so. There is meaning and purpose still ahead. Maybe your grief makes it hard to read God’s Word, to be in a worship service, or to sing hymns. But, remember, though you are surrounded by death, you still live. Your soul needs to be fed. Your heart needs to be encouraged. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Don’t let go of the good habits of faith that shaped and strengthened your relationship with Christ before your loss.

Are you facing where you are tempted to let go, give up, or quit?

Celebrate Eternity

One wonderful thing about the story of redemption is that God has let us in on the ending. We know that death – and all the suffering and grief that accompany it – will die. There is glorious life after death when God will dry your last tear and you will never have a reason to cry again. The light of God’s eternal glory will flood your life. You will never face death again.

Your tears now are not only tears of grief; they are also tears of longing. All of us experience this longing when we are cast into the darkness of death. We long for a better place where life doesn’t end this way. The Bible gloriously reassures us that our longing is not in vain. (See 1 Cor. 15; Rev. 7:9-17.) The story that began in an eternity without death will end the same way. Because you know how the story is going to turn out, your grief can be tempered by hope. You can grieve with one eye on your present loss and one eye on your future. Yes, you still miss your loved one greatly. You feel the stinging pain of loss. But your pain does not have to give way to discouragement, depression, and desperation. Even this moment of pain can be colored by your hope.

Leave room in your tears for little, quiet moments of celebration. Death will someday end forever. In your present sadness, let your heart look to the future. Can you anticipate the beauty to come?

Give Away the Comfort You Have Been Given

Listen to what Paul says about the comfort God gives us:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those
in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received
from God. (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

The comfort God has given you is not only his loving ministry to you, it is his call to you to minister to others. You have experienced the pain of loss, but you have also begun to experience the comfort that only the Lord can give. You know how easy it is for grief to give way to doubt, anger, envy, and fear. You know how easy it is to isolate yourself and to want to give up. With the death of a loved one, it is easy to lose your way, but you know the things God has given for help, hope, comfort, and strength.
God now calls you to share this comfort with others. Who near you is discouraged and ready to quit? Who is struggling to hold onto hope? Who is dealing with the pain of disappointment? Who is struggling with problems so large that they can’t see God? You are God’s agent of help and hope. God entered your darkness, not just to give your heart rest, but to equip you to give that rest to others.

SEEING LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

It’s hard to find words that do justice to what you are going through. Few things we face are more difficult than death. Yet, in the darkness, you can see the brightest light of God’s truth. In death, you experience the damage sin has caused, but you can also celebrate the new life our Savior has given. In death, you can come to appreciate Emmanuel’s constant presence. Your heart can embrace the hope that God will give you the resources to face what he leads you through. In death, you can be touched by a desire to help others. Finally, in death, you can celebrate the end of the story in a way you never have before. Death will someday die, and that is cause for rejoicing!

May you look through the darkness and see Christ’s light. In your deep sadness, receive the comfort that only he can give. May he give you the grace to think about death in distinctly biblical ways. May you respond with the hope, surety, and courage of faith.

Scripture quotations are from the New International Version (NIV)

Paul David Tripp, M.Div., D.Min., is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, adjunct faculty at CCEF, and has counseled for over twenty-five years. He is the author of many articles, booklets, and books including Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens; Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands; A Quest for More; War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Our Communication Struggles; Lost in the Middle; Whiter Than Snow, and the coauthor of How People Change and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making.

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