Christmas is coming and that means family get-togethers. But these celebrations are not always a picture postcard of family bliss. For some, these gatherings are dreaded and avoided when possible. Why is that? Why is it so hard to get along with the people you grew up with? Is there any hope that old, hurtful patterns can be changed? In this booklet, Tim Lane writes about these challenges and how through your relationship with Christ you can learn how to love your family and reach out to them in concrete and practical ways.

Do you dread family get-togethers and vacations? Do you often regret the way you talk and act around your family? Do you avoid your family? Maybe some of these words sound familiar to you:

“I’m a grown woman, but I act like a child around my family and bicker with everyone.”
“I know it shouldn’t bother me, but my parents always favor my brother over me.”
“My parents still tell me what to do, even though I’m 40 years old!”
“My sister isn’t speaking to me, but she’s sure talking about me.”
“My childhood was so hurtful that I can’t imagine having a relationship with my parents now.”
“My family is out of control. Their behavior is so destructive that I don’t want my children to be around them.”

 If you have a hard time relating to your family, you have plenty of company. Many people have a difficult time dealing with the family they grew up in. Why is it so hard to get along with your family? Deep hurts from your childhood, unrealistic expectations, and old patterns resurfacing are just some of the reasons you might find yourself feuding with your family. Is it possible to love in the midst of these challenges?  Yes, with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Change begins with taking an honest look at your family and yourself, hearing what God has to say about your struggles, and then trusting Jesus to help you love in a difficult situation.

Every Family Is Flawed

What were your parents like as you grew up? Warm? Gentle? Encouraging? Distant? Passive? Abusive? What kind of family did you grow up in? Safe? Secure? Nurturing? Violent? Broken? Evil? There are as many different kinds of families as there are different people.

But one thing is true of every family—each one is flawed. None of us grew up with perfect parents or perfect siblings, and none of us were perfect children. Your parents and siblings sinned against you, and you sinned against them. This truth is not meant to excuse or minimize the evil and abuse that happens in some families; instead, it’s a reminder that we all need God to be at work in our family relationships. He is the only one who can redeem family relationships broken by sin and give you the grace to respond to your parents and siblings with wisdom and love.

Flawed Families Need God’s Grace

Read almost any Bible story and you will realize that God is very familiar with flawed family dynamics. King David, one of the greatest heroes in the Bible, was also the father of a dysfunctional family. His son, Absalom, conspired to murder him and take over as king, and David had to fight for his life against his own son. Despite his son’s treachery, David wanted to protect Absalom, and when he was killed, he suffered deeply.

But human sin is no match for God’s grace, and God still used David and his family in his kingdom. The psalms David wrote as he suffered have been used by God to bring comfort to his people for centuries. And from David’s family came Jesus Christ, the savior of the whole world and the only one who can help us love our families. Your family, just like David’s family, needs God’s grace. Only God can bring redemption to flawed people and families.

Your Family of Origin Does Not Determine Your Identity

Not only are family sins redeemed by God’s grace, so is our family background. We often assume that those who grow up in a “good” family will turn out “good,” and those who grow up in a “bad” family will turn out “bad.” It’s true that we are shaped by our family of origin, and we can see their mark on us in good and bad ways. But your identity and future is not determined by your family of origin. Many people who grew up in good families where there was lots of encouragement and nurture have turned out quite differently from their families. And, many people who grew up in horrific families have turned out to be kind, humble servants who are blessing to those around them.

Often when we have a bad experience (like growing up in an abusive family), we let that experience define us and become our identity. But when you come to Jesus in faith he gives you his life and a whole new identity as a child of God. Of course you are still shaped by your experience, but you are not defined by it. Your identity is no longer determined by your family of origin, but by who you are in Christ. As you depend on God for your identity, he will make it possible for you to change the way you relate to your family.

God’s Call to Love Includes Your Family

If you have grown up in a very difficult family where parents and siblings have actively sought to harm you and where harmful behavior was the norm, don’t despair. God is not shocked, he knows all about dysfunctional families and the hurt and sorrow you feel. He is not distant, silent, or passive. He wants to redeem your troubled family relationships, and he is calling you to be a part of that redemption by loving your family. Jesus calls you to love your neighbor as yourself and that includes those who are acting like your enemies (see Matthew 5:43-48; Luke 10:25-37).

How does Jesus help you love those who are so close to you and often so hurtful? He starts by saying some surprising things about how we are to relate to our families. Listen to these startling words:

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:25–27)

You might be thinking, How can this passage help me love my family? It seems like Jesus is encouraging me to hate my family! But Jesus isn’t saying that you are to actively hate your parents. Telling you to hate your family would contradict other parts of the Bible where Jesus calls us to love our enemies. It also would be a violation of the fifth commandment that calls us to honor our parents and provide for our families (see 1 Timothy 5:8). So what does he mean?¹

We get some help by comparing this passage to what Jesus says on the same subject in Matthew:

“Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:37-39 italics added)

Notice that Jesus is using comparative language (more than) to contrast our love for him to our love for family. He is not saying we should hate our families. Instead he is saying something quite radical—you can’t be his disciple unless you treasure him above everything else. Our love for him must far surpass our love for anything or anyone else including family. Our devotion to him should be so unique that all other loves look like hatred by comparison.

We all grew up in families where parents and siblings sinned against us and disappointed us. When our need for their approval is more important to us than our love for God, it’s easy to hold grudges, get angry, and become bitter when we are mistreated. But when God is first in our hearts, we can put their failures and sins into the bigger context of our primary relationship with God. Then we won’t be eaten up by bitterness and disappointment. C.S. Lewis puts it this way:

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”²

Do you see what happens when you love God more than anything? You are free to really love the people in your life. You won’t think less of your family; you will think more of them. Because their love and acceptance is not your ultimate goal, you won’t be enslaved by your expectations for them and the disappointments that inevitably follow.

Jesus is calling you to turn from love of self to love for him. Think about how Jesus has loved you—he lived the perfect life you should have lived, and he died the death you deserved. When you wake up every morning and interact personally with the One who has done all this for you, your family’s slights and insults won’t plague you in the same way.

This won’t be automatic or easy. Jesus said that each of us must take up our cross every day (see Luke 9:23). You must daily die to your self-centeredness by finding your identity in what Jesus has done for you in his life, death, and resurrection. As you do this every day, you will turn from making anything else in creation more important to you than the God who has rescued you from your self-centeredness. Growing as a disciple is gradual in the same way that the crucifixion was slow and agonizing. As we die to self and embrace our new identity in Christ, God is slowly and patiently bringing us to the end of ourselves so that he might fill us with the life of Christ.

Changed by the Cross of Christ

Being defined by Christ’s grace and love and who you are in him will gradually free you to love your family well. You will grow in your ability to let go of your expectations for your family. Humility will replace the demanding cry in your heart to have your family treat you in a certain way. Humility will replace self-righteousness as you notice that you also are a sinner who has let others down. The temptation to look down on your parents and siblings will lessen, and your superiority complex will be replaced with a willingness to see your own sins and faults. You will no longer be controlled by the pressure of living up to your parents’ or family’s expectations because your identity and foundation for living is found in Christ, not your family.