CCEF on the Web
- Dr. Bob Kellemen reviews Mike Emlet's CrossTalk: Where Life & Scripture Meet
- See what Taylor Brooks says,
"Every man should read." - In Light of the Gospel Blog
quotes Powlison's "Personal Liturgy
of Confession" with link to full article. - The Reformed Reader recommends Ed Welch's Running Scared.
- Radio host Kevin Boling
interviews David Powlison - What Is Real vs. What I Feel - C. J. Mahaney
interviews David Powlison (audio)
This is an exceedingly difficult subject to deal with.
I believe the weight and power now clearly belong to those who claim abuse and that it is a powerful accusation indeed. How many want to be seen as even considering siding with an abuser? The charge is so very believable.
Our church has faced this in recent years as a young wife and mother claimed abuse together with her very close girlfriend. As pastor I bent over backwards to try to be sensitive and listen to the appeal and whenever possible gave benefit of the doubt to the women (feeling the tremendous social power of never wanting to side with an abuser, I still feel it as I write this, who would believe a man is sensitive enough?).
Yet no matter how sensitive I and others tried to be the woman and her friend would not rest until the husband/father was fully out of the picture.
I met with the husband many times and sought to be as "hard" on him as I knew how to be, doubting all the signs of his repentance as much as I could, realizing that people can be one thing in public, and before a counselor, and the exact opposite at home. I sought to give as much leeway to the woman as I could while still granting SOME possibility to the reality of repentance, change and saving a marriage.
The woman's parents lived nearby and were willing to put the couple up for considerable time so that we could offer as much protection as possible and a second witness.
The women would have none of it and rode the claim of "abuse that no one else could understand." We tried to be patient and let the woman do her best to verbalize what the abuse actually was. I figured it must be hard to put the abuse into words. While the details never seemed very abusive to the rest of us it the women assured us that they knew the "real intentions of his heart" and how manipulative and controlling he was. What could we say?
They insisted he had a great "anger problem." He may have, except he had coached one of our school's sports teams and we saw him face some very volatile and emotional situations and not lose his cool even once, situations in which we have seen other angry people lose control. The women insisted his anger problem was just in regard to his wife in private. What could we say?
The women were able to silence and control every other person (family, friends, counselors) and 2 churches because we are all terrified of supporting male abusers of their wives. The accusation of abuse was a very powerful tool.
We found that the power of this is so great that we were unable to even question it in order to even uncover facts as it might suggest the woman's claim might be doubted. If we didn't just believe the women we clearly didn't understand the plight of women.
I was continually accused of "only wanting the woman to go and submit to the abuse of her husband." I could not find a way to avoid this charge if I held any belief the marriage might be saved.
Now the women live together raising the children and the father only gets to see his children because our state forces the woman to allow it. We have a suspicion that the women are living in a lesbian relationship as they are seen around town holding hands when they do not know church people might be looking. The husband expressed concerns to me about this early in our meetings, but I understand his testimony is worthless. Some of us who saw the two women together find it believable however.
The mere possibility of a man's "verbal abuse" is so strong that it is nearly impossible to consider another point of view. I feel this even as I write this, it is going to be very difficult to question a woman who accuses of abuse. We can hope that there are not very many unhappy and manipulating women who figure this out.
My heart goes out to other pastors that may face a situation like this.
Thank you for identifying this for me. I have realized this is something I struggle with in my heart. It hasn't come out in conflicts with my wife verbally as much as it has internally. Especially since I feel the need to "offer counseling" to her in the midst of her struggle. After all, I was humble enough to admit my sin, so my spouse should follow suit. And who better than me to point out her sin after I have "come clean." This is nothing short of manipulation and completely misses the point of confession and humility. We don't confess our sin in order to get our wives to confess theirs. We confess because we have sinned and it needs to be confessed regardless of the sin in the hearts of our spouses. Far too often, I am too righteous in my own eyes. Your identifying this phenomenon of blame-sharing will help me grow in humility as I face conflicts with my wife.
I appreciate that this issue is being so honestly and openly addressed...
Thanks for your article.
Dean Sunseri, LPC
www.ihaveavoice.com
Lundy Bancroft has written several excellent books about domestic abuse. Lundy has spent over 17 years studying the behavior of abusive men and is the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men. A helpful book that gives an accurate picture of abusive men and provides help for them and their families is titled Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Amazon has a good description of and reviews of the book. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_...
I agree. Question: Culture says alcoholism is a disease. AA and most christian versions of it I have seen, seem to have the same view. What does the biblical intervention method for groups of people look like? I want to offer this at my church and yet be biblical. Comments?
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging comments. A neurotypical person's reflections ultimately mean very little if they do not resonate with the experience of brothers and sisters who find themselves on the autistic spectrum.
I just wanted to say I found this while searching for David Powlison. I am on the Autistic spectrum diagnosed as high-functioning autistic and this is definitely an accurate account. What NTs need to realize is that there are several of us out there like this. If you see someone in a wheelchair, you know it would be wrong to challenge him to a foot-race. You can't see our condition like that. It's not written above our heads. Maybe before some people assume someone is rude, they should consider they might just be different. As it is, I am a Seminary student with a great interest in apologetics, hence my name, and I work at a Christian ministry. I am also currently in love with and dating a young lady with Asperger's so we relate well together. I am pleased to see more people taking the time to get to know our world and I would enjoy getting the chance to speak to you.
More so a question: What is the difference between Christian Psychology and Integration? These are two different views presented in the book Psychology and Christianity, of which David Powlison has also contributed sections to. But the authors representing Christian Psychology and Integration are very confusing. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
Blake Shaw
I just preached a series on Singleness out of Isaiah 56:3-5. No doubt the marriage unit is foundational for all of society, but not foundational for the family of God. Yes marriage is the visible picture of Christ and the church, yet Christ himself didn't get married here on earth during his earthly ministry. Christ did visibly demonstrate that in Singleness one can add to the family of God through Regeneration (being born again). I would suggest a good study on Isaiah 53:10 and Isaiah 54.
Hey, This is off the subject of suicide, but I saw that one of the electives listed for the National Conf. is a talked on how church leaders should respond to sexual abuse. I can't come to the conference, but I want to know if I can get more information on the content of this message. I would love to know your view on the subject! Can you help, or direct me to the person I should ask?
great post. Glad to hear how you are continuing to refine the hands-on portion of the CCEF education. These are great resources. I would think that one of the riches you all have is the live supervision aspect of training--of observing interns in action through the one-way mirror (or video feed) and giving instant feedback. Ever thought of the "bug in the ear" idea where the supervisor offers brief directions to the intern right during the session?
Let’s step back for a minute. How does a biblical counselor usually help such a person? Perhaps two or three passages of scripture leap to mind, verses that might direct this man’s thinking away from the unreliable affections of people to the unchanging, perfect, and infinite love of Christ. Here’s the problem: my internet marketing counselee already knows most of those passages. We’ve read and discussed many of them together. So, where to now? I know, you’ll remind me that I should press on, remembering that change is a process and often a internet phone slow one at that. But I want to share with you something different that I tried that was a game changer and I believe reflects on the ways we need to think more broadly about worship in the counseling process. I turned to a Psalm that focuses on God’s love that we had recently discussed and I asked my counselee to stand and read it credit card processing aloud and to read it aloud with me. He seemed surprised but reluctantly did as I asked. When we finished and sat back down I asked him how he felt.
Designing your own liturgy of confession will help you to think through exactly what you need to bring to God, and what you need from God. It will give you serious words to express your sorrow, regret, guilt and pain over your abortion. It will lead you by the hand to God’s mercy and to his washing away of your sin windows backup software and guilt. The parts of this liturgy in italics are taken and adapted from the General Confession of Sin in The Book of Common Prayer. Even when your thoughts and feelings are chaotic, these words can serve as your guide. They are a channel for honesty. Instead of wallowing in misery and failure, these data recovery words help you to plan how you will walk in the direction of honesty, mercy, gratitude, and freedom. I suggest that you pray out loud. It helps you to remember that you are talking with someone who is listening. You aren’t just thinking things inside your head. Use this prayer to express the gravity of what happened. Use it to remind yourself out loud that God’s mercies are deeper than what you did or failed web host to do. Read through this prayer and meditation first. Then go back through it, writing out your own words to personalize it. Express your honest story to God in response to hearing what he says to you.
Great article so far. "Don't ask, don't tell" is common. So is, "We understand, it's okay." Compassion and understanding are essential, but so are loving confrontation and concern.
Blogposts are supposes to be short! That is their strength and weakness. That being the case, let me nuance my first point a bit since it might play into the caricature some may have about CCEF. I am not saying that there is no place for general revelation and the insights of others. I am simply arguing the basic idea of Sola Scriptura. At the end of the day, Scripture provides a proper lens through which to interpret the insights of others. We at CCEF do not claim to do this perfectly but it is our humble aim to submit to Scripture as best we know how as we remain open to ongoing growth and correction!
I had some of the same reservations about seeing the movie as you identified. I also was pleasantly surprised by the way the film portrays the raw emotions and pain of a failing marriage. Though the film has fairly low "production values" and some poor script, poor acting sections, it does have an "aroma of grace and redemption" permeating its core message. I am more dubious about the "evangelical products" it has spawned, including the 40 day dare.
Very good point that our society is inundated with public displays of sex and we are expected not to speak disprovingly about them but only be aroused by them. It seems nothing is private anymore, so why not take public issue with the harmful aspects of illicit sex?
I am going to order this book.
thanks
Very encouraging! Thanks for sharing, Alasdair.
JT Caldwell
Our family has been blessed in many ways with salvation, hope, love, and so much more.
2 boys, 2 girls, Mom & Dad, all saved, God-centered, some troubles but lots of good things too. Dad dies, life rocks, 1 son becomes addict, goes to jail, hits bottom and detoxes, the Light is greater than darkness in son's life. No more drugs and rehab requirement was cancelled by PO. Is that possible for this addiction to be over?
I will look for your book.
Blessings,
Debby Millheim Jackson
I am beginning preliminary research on suicide as it pertains to believing teens. Could you direct me to any sound, helpful resources?
There paradox here, though, is that a "to do" list did lead to transformation, once the list established his inability to do it apart from Christ. I think that sometimes we may need to let our counseless try things under their own steam to help them arrive at their need for Christ. I think this is analogous to the way the law "tutors us unto Christ" as the Apostle Paul says. Of course, the danger is that some will find satisfaction in their efforts or simly blame the counselor, spouse, or God himself when their efforts fails.
I stayed away from watching the movie precisely for some of the reasons you shared. Maybe this will get me to reconsider at least giving it a second thought. Thanks for sharing.
I think your comment on "a to do list" is never a road to heart transformation is so right. I am not thrilled with these types of "launches" as a counselor because my clients begin to get this false hope for a quick answer, which God is rarely a part of. A 40 day dare is a "talisman" that can be used until you realize that you become greedy for what you are getting from it. I think it is simplistic and causes much lost hope in real clients with real problems. The Father is lurking in the messiness of our hearts, not in a 40 day purpose driven love dare! Great blog, like the philosophy you mentioned about heart transformation (Crabb product?)